A lot has changed in the last few months. I went from feeling this calling to help young girls, to registering a domain, creating a Facebook page, getting an online following, writing an eBook and changing my entire way of living. I took a leap of faith and it has been a roller coaster ride, but I regret nothing!
I have always been a Little Things Girl. The little things in life are really the big things to me. There has been so many situations where I take a step back and really look at things only to realize that the things that I thought mattered most don’t matter at all.
Growing up I remember having these amazing dreams about wanting to be a vet or a doctor or something that really makes a difference in the world, at school I sucked at science and math so after school I studied business instead (something I thought I never would do). It was there that I realized that I have an incredibly logical mind. I see situations from all angles, I come up with practical solutions often overlooked because they seem so simple. And I get into trouble (a lot) because I’m blunt, I say exactly what’s on my mind. It’s a blessing and a curse.
As I got older I started looking around. I started realizing that life was not as simple as I had once thought it was. It is tough, it is ugly, it is not as we imagine it as children. As adults, we live our lives for other people. Always wondering what they think about us, wondering how they feel about us, wondering who is looking at us. We play the blame game on a daily basis. Judging ourselves and others for everything from being a bad friend to being bad at the way we dress.
We feel guilty for the most ridiculous things. A friend’s 5-year-old daughter recently had an accident at the playground and ended up having to have stitches. For days thereafter, Lauren wouldn’t let her daughter out of her sight, she didn’t even let her sleep in her own bed. She was consumed by guilt for not being able to protect her daughter even though the accident was completely random and unpredictable.
For me, guilt came down like a ton of bricks in December of 2016. A close friend of mine had committed suicide. It was unexpected, completely out of character and no one even knew he was depressed.
I remember the day he went missing, I came home and I prayed, hard! I read an article earlier that day, that a body had been found after someone had jumped off Table Mountain, one of his favorite places. And I just kept praying, “Let it not be Richard. Let it not be him”.
We heard confirmation the next morning. His mother couldn’t recognize his body, all she could identify was his car and his shoes. It was terrible and earth shattering. I just kept thinking Why why WHY!!
I cried for days. If I had just asked him if he was okay the last time we spoke. If I just spent 5 minutes less speaking about me and asked him about him. We spoke the evening before he went missing. How could so much change in just 12 hours?
It took me weeks to start making peace. His mother leaning on support from his friends. He was her world. Richard, the gentle giant. The friendly smile. Always willing to listen to everyone but shy when it came to talking about himself…. Or maybe it wasn’t shy, maybe he was hiding the hurt. We’ll never know.
But his death showed me that my life was not my own. It opened my eyes and I saw that I was living for other people. I was living paycheck to paycheck. I was living for lunch breaks, evenings, weekends and public holidays. I hated my job. I disliked the office vibe. I was abusing my body. I wasn’t healthy. I was unhappy and I had utterly lost who I am in the noise of the world.
Growing up all I wanted was to change the world. But in getting older I realized just how difficult that was. That dream seems so impossible. In a world of 7 billion people how does one girl make a difference?
So, I, Lona the Little Things Girl am trying. I am putting myself out there. My truth. My authentic self. For the world to judge, or love. But I am me. And I’m not living for other people anymore. I am living for me. I’m living my purpose; to help young women find their unique, their worth, their truth, their happiness.